NEW YORK?A U.S. Geological Survey expeditionary force

announced Tuesday that it has discovered a previously

unknown and unexplored land mass between the New York

and California coasts known as the "Midwest."







The Geological Survey team discovered the vast region

while searching for the fabled Midwest Passage, the

mythical overland route passing through the uncharted

area between Ithaca, NY, and Bakersfield, CA.



"I long suspected something was there," said Franklin

Eldred, a Manhattan native and leader of the 200-man

exploratory force. "I'd flown between New York and

L.A. on business many times, and the unusually long

duration of my flights seemed to indicate that some

sort of large area was being traversed, an area of

unknown composition."



The Geological Survey explorers left the East Coast

three weeks ago, embarking on a perilous journey to

the unknown. Not long after crossing the Adirondack

Mountains, Eldred and his team were blazing trails

through strange new regions, wild lands full of corn

and wheat.



"Thus far we have discovered places known as Michigan,

Minnesota and Wisconsin," said Randall Zachary, chief

navigator for the expedition. "When translated from

the local dialect into English, these words seem to

mean 'summer camp.'"



Eldred and the others were surprised to learn that the

Midwest, whose inhospitable environment was long

believed to be incapable of supporting human life, is

indeed populated, albeit sparsely.



"The Midwestern Aborigines are ruddy, generally

heavy-set folk, clad in plain, non-designer

costumery," Eldred said. "They tend to live in simple,

one-story dwellings whose interiors are decorated with

Hummels and 'Bless This House' needlepoint

wall-hangings. And though coarse and unattractive,

these simple people were rather friendly, offering us

quaint native fare such as 'hotdish' and 'casserole.'"





Though the Midwest territory is still largely

unexplored, early reports describe a region as

backwards as it is vast. "Many of the basic aspects of

a civilized culture appear to be entirely absent,"

said Gina Strauch, a Los Angeles-based anthropologist.

"There is no theater to speak of, and their knowledge

of posh restaurants is sketchy at best. Further, their

agricentric lives seem to prevent them from pursuing

high fashion to any degree, and, as a result, their

mode of dress is largely restricted to sweatpants and

sweatshirts, the women's being adorned with hearts and

teddy bears and the men's with college-football

insignias."



Despite the Midwesterners' considerable cultural

backwardness, some say the establishment of relations

with them is possible.



"Believe it or not, this region may have things to

offer us," said Jonathan Ogleby, a San Francisco-area

marketing expert. "We could construct an airport

there, a place where New Yorkers could switch planes

on their way to California. We could stage revivals of

old Broadway musicals there. Perhaps we could even one

day conduct trade with the Midwesterners, offering

them electronic devices in exchange for meats and

agriculture."



Others, however, are not so optimistic about future

relations. "We must remember that these people are not

at all like us," Conde Nast publisher and Manhattan

socialite Lucille Randolph Snowdon said. "They are

crude and provincial, bewildered by our tall buildings

and our art galleries, our books and our coffee shops.

For an L.A. resident to attempt to interact with one

of them as he or she would with, say, a Bostonian is

ludicrous. It appears unlikely that we will ever be

able to conduct a genuine exchange of ideas with them

about anything, save perhaps television or 'the big

game.'"

shud'up youra face



how the squiters?

bloody genious, did you make this up? If not, where did you get it?

He didn't make it up - but I have no idea where he found it!

It's so true, but thankfully for this breaking discovery, the chems may someday come to the newly found land known as the midwest united states! Unfortunately, newest reports have found that I'm the only one in Oklahoma to be civilized, while most everyone else are foragers, thus making it the least likely place for the Chemical Brothers to visit. :x

Brand new state!

Brand new state, gonna treat you great!

Gonna give you barley, carrots and pertaters,

Pasture fer the cattle,

Spinach and termayters!

Flowers on the prarie where the June bugs zoom,

Plen'y of air and plen'y of room,

Plen'y of room to swing a rope!

Plen'y of heart and plen'y of hope.

Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain

And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet

When the wind comes right behind the rain.

Oklahoma,

Ev'ry night my honey lamb and I

Sit alone and talk and watch a hawk

Makin' lazy circles in the sky.

We know we belong to the land

And the land we belong to is grand!

And when we say

Yeeow! Ayipioeeay!

We're only sayin'

You're doin' fine,

Oklahoma!

Oklahoma O.K.

Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain

And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet

When the wind comes right behind the rain.

Oklahoma,

Ev'ry night my honey lamb and I

Sit alone and talk and watch a hawk

Makin' lazy circles in the sky.

We know we belong to the land

And the land we belong to is grand!

And when we say

Yeeow! Ayipioeeay!

We're only sayin'

You're doin' fine,

Oklahoma!

Oklahoma O.K.



wow that place sucks, sorry you live there

I'm sorry you live in chic... wait, thats an awsome place to live! The good news is that somehow, my local Hastings (music, book, movie store & renta) somehow has a selection with all the chem.'s albums and they even had Brothers Gonna Work it Out Once (which I supidly didn't buy :'( )

Thanks Bosco! You understand the barren wasteland that is Oklahoma.