Posted 13 December 2003 - 6:46 PM
OK you asked for it.
Last New Year's all I wanted to do was stay indoors. I didn't want to go out, didn't want to do much of anything except share a bottle of port, maybe have a couple of New Years shots of vodka or something, and watch the Twilight Zone marathon. Besides that going out was not in order since we couldn't find a willing relative to watch our son.
9:00 rolls around and our upstairs neighbor was playing some R-Kelly or shit really loud and the bass was booming right into my son's bedroom. Since we had just moved into our apartment, I didn't want to make such a big deal out of all this, but there was no way we could put our son to bed unless our upstairs neighbor excercised a little volume control. My dear husband volunteered to go have a word with the neighbor and have her turn down the volume just for a little while til our son fell to sleep - I suggested that we be good neighbors and ask her down for a New Year's toast if she had nothing better to do than listen to R-Kelly.
My husband leaves and almost immediately the music stopped. Good, I could now tuck my son into bed. 20 minutes goes by, my son is fast asleep, and my husband comes back and tells me that there were 2 nice enough women living upstairs just waiting around for their boyfriends to show up. One was very wasted, the other was about ready to pass out or drown in the toilet - they probably wouldn't be coming over.
So the clock is ticking and I'm in my jammies watching Twilight Zone and around 11:30 there's a knock at the door. We go to answer it and on our doorstep is one of my neighbors. She was all dressed up, her hair was styled and she had glitter all over her face. She wasn't wearing much of anything at all - I swear to you, all she was wearing was black thong panties, a long lacy jacket with feathers on the collar, and some fuck-me plexi high heeled platforms. No bra. That was it. I didn't know what to say, but it was cold outside and I didn't want to be rude so we invited her in and asked if she'd like to wear a robe or a t-shirt or something - and she declined. All right, fine, whatever. So we chit chat a little bit and it's very hard to do as I've got a half naked stranger in my house who starts going into graphic details about how "homeboy" - as she called my husband - interrupted her as she was starting to get freaky on her drunk roommate. I won't go into details what she said exactly, but we all have good imaginations to figure this out, I'm sure. So the clock striked midnight and we could hear our neighbors out on their porches cheering - and this neighbor of mind moves in for the kill. She tries to stick her tongue down my throat and I, already somewhat toasted from drinking wine all evening, back away in horror and utter protest.
The phone rings and it's my husband's sister, and I could hear him begging her to come over and rescue us from our crazy neighbor.
It gets worse. So we're standing in the kitchen and we're dopping hints to our neighbor that she should go but she doesn't get the message. Instead, she practically rapes our vodka bottle and starts dancing around our livingroom. We had to tell her to quiet down, our son was in the next room sleeping and my husband asks one more time "for the love of god, would you please put on a robe and cover yourself up?" And which point, she undoes her lacy jacket and her breasts flop out. "What's the matter homeboy? You don't like boobies?" At which point she starts carassing herself like she's on a Girls Gone Wild video. Of course I'm utterly flabbergasted to the point of throwing up, because this crazy woman comes up behind me, pinning me to the countertop, and starts grinding up against me grabbing me privates. At which point I sort of grab her arms and pin them to her side and tell her she'd better stop now and my husband - poor guy, had some harsh words to tell her.
There was a knock at the door again and it's my sister-in-law and her fiance - the ultimate que for our neighbor to take a hike. I open the door and their jaws drop, as my neighbor still hadn't done up her lacey see-through jacket properly and she was stumbling all over the place in her ridiculous platform shoes.
Flashfoward 2 weeks and I finally see my neighbor and she's sheepish and apoligizes profusely, saying "mamasita, I did not mean to offend you darling, you're a mother and I showed you and your disrespect." Well, shit yeah, I'll say! That's what I get for trying to be a dcecent neighbor who wants to have a New year's toast with the neighbor. :P
Then she moved out a month later.
So yeah, I plan on deadbolting the door this year and answering to nobody.
Sorry this is so long, but I'm the only one awake and out and about at my house - so in my mind there's nothing better than a good story to get the day started.
be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle
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