bwahahahaha. If my girlfriend wouldn't kill me, I'd get a custom license plate like that.

8O HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

X-D

Sweet!!

i won't care if the driver of that car calls the cops on me for tailgating him.

Darkstarexodus Escribi�:

Hahahahaha!!!!! X-D



That's wrong. WroooONG!



Wroooooooooooooong.

chemicalfan Escribi�:

X-D

Sweet!!

Been licking the bonnet? Dirty bastard.

Meat Wagon!

http://video.google....ob+sapp&pl=true

OK, so when there's nothing else for stash to read (in other words, when he's in the bath and has read every article in every magazine lying around) he'll skim over the personals in our local rag called the OC Weekly. You have to admit (if you dare admit you read personals just for the entertainment value) that some of these adult classifieds are good for a laugh.



Here's a good one.

Well hello. My name is Johnny. I am a 29 year old black guy in Los Angeles in the South Bay near LAX that lies about his age. I am a writer which means I never have any money. I love Bud not Weiser, and I tend to drink to extremes upon having liquor. Sometimes I pimp on the side to pay the cable bill, but sometimes I can't pay that either. I usually have a one track mind, and that is to have as much sex with you as possible when I'm high. I don't have a car, so you'll be driving. I'm about to be evicted, so I hope I have a place to do you. Sometimes I'm suicidal, but not at the moment. I tend to be funny, but usually in perverteed ways. Let's get together soon.

This guy sounds premium. Any takers? X-D

hahaha, I browsed through the OC Weekly's personals one afternoon and instantly concluded that the OC is much more interesting than Winnipeg. ;-)

There's some funny shit in the personals, most definitely!



About 10 years ago we had this friend who was also our roommate and he had a really tough time meeting women. It was honestly quite sad and awkward. It's not like he was some terrible person with horrible personal hygeine, he wasn't unattractive or talentless and he wasn't necessarily stupid although he was the walking definition of social ineptitude. He was just really really shy... and super picky - he wanted to date a nice quiet lady who was physically perfect in every way, who was foreign and didn't speak much English (communication was never his strong point). Anyway, long story short, he put an ad in the OC Weekly personals hoping to find his perfect woman. Pretty tall order if you ask me. It was a bit lengthy and had a poetic quality to it - he read it to us before he submitted it. We told him it was a bad idea, over and over but he wouldn't listen. So a couple weeks later the new paper had come out and he comes bounding home since his ad was going to be printed. He starts looking under Men Seeking Women and says, "damn, where is it? It's not here..." I could see his eyes skittering back and forth as he was speed reading the ads. "Oh... oh NO... oh dammit. God dammit. Shit. Shit!!" Lo and behold, his ad ended up in the Men Seeking Men portion of the personals. Ooops.



He never got any offers.

WHAT I?D SAY TO THE MARTIANS

by Jack Handey





People of Mars, you say we are brutes and savages. But let me tell you one thing: if I could get loose from this cage you have me in, I would tear you guys a new Martian asshole.You say we are violent and barbaric, but has any one of you come up to my cage and extended his hand? Because, if he did, I would jerk it off and eat it right in front of him. ?Mmm, that?s good Martian,? I would say.



You say your civilization is more advanced than ours. But who is really the more ?civilized? one? You, standing there watching this cage? Or me, with my pants down, trying to urinate on you? You criticize our Earth religions, saying they have no relevance to the way we actually live. But think about this: if I could get my hands on that god of yours, I would grab his skinny neck and choke him until his big green head exploded.



We are a warlike species, you claim, and you show me films of Earth battles to prove it. But I have seen all the films about twenty times. Get some new films, or, so help me, if I ever get out of here I will empty my laser pistol into everyone I see, even pets.



Speaking of films, I could show you some films, films that portray a different, gentler side of Earth. And while you?re watching the films I?d sort of slip away, because guess what: the projector is actually a thing that shoots out spinning blades! And you fell for it! Well, maybe not now you wouldn?t.



You point to your long tradition of living peacefully with Earth. But you know what I point to? Your stupid heads.



You say there is much your civilization could teach ours. But perhaps there is something that I could teach you?namely, how to scream like a parrot when I put your big Martian head in a vise.



You claim there are other intelligent beings in the galaxy besides earthlings and Martians. Good, then we can attack them together. And after we?re through attacking them we?ll attack you.



I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves. But you have treated me like an intruder. Maybe it is not me who is the intruder but you.



No, not me. You, stupid.



You keep my body imprisoned in this cage. But I am able to transport my mind to a place far away, a happier place, where I use Martian heads for batting practice.



I admit that sometimes I think we are not so different after all. When you see one of your old ones trip and fall down, do you not point and laugh, just as we on Earth do? And I think we can agree that nothing is more admired by the people of Earth and Mars alike than a fine, high-quality cigarette. For fun, we humans like to ski down mountains covered with snow; you like to?milk? bacteria off of scum hills and pack them into your gill slits. Are we so different? Of course we are, and you will be even more different if I ever finish my homemade flamethrower.



You may kill me, either on purpose or by not making sure that all the surfaces in my cage are safe to lick. But you can?t kill an idea. And that idea is: me chasing you with a big wooden mallet.



You say you will release me only if I sign a statement saying that I will not attack you. And I have agreed, the only condition being that I can sign with a long sharp pen. And still you keep me locked up.



True, you have allowed me reading material?not the ?human reproduction? magazines I requested but the works of your greatest philosopher, Zandor or Zanax or whatever his name is. I would like to discuss his ideas with him?just me, him, and one of his big, heavy books.



If you will not free me, at least deliver a message to Earth. Send my love to my wife, and also to my girlfriend. And to my children, if I have any anyplace. Ask my wife to please send me a bazooka, which is a flower we have on Earth. If my so-called friend Don asks you where the money I owe him is, please anally probe him. Do that anyway.



If you keep me imprisoned long enough, eventually I will die. Because one thing you Martians do not understand is that we humans cannot live without our freedom. So, if you see me lying lifeless in my cage, come on in, because I?m dead. Really.



Maybe one day we will not be the enemies you make us out to be. Perhaps one day a little Earth child will sit down to play with a little Martian child, or larva, or whatever they are. But, after a while, guess what happens: the little Martian tries to eat the Earth child. But guess what the Earth child has? A gun. You weren?t expecting that, were you? And now the Martian child is running away, as fast as he can. Run, little Martian baby, run!



I would like to thank everyone for coming to my cage tonight to hear my speech. Donations will be gratefully accepted. (No Mars money, please.)

A BOYFRIEND'S REVENGE (uncredited)



I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.



FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.



Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."



I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"



So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"



Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.



The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."



I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."



Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"



I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"



Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.





X-D bwah!

pwnt

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